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Ellen, who has some videos linked to her Facebook profile so as to answer all of my WTF questions, has apparently always felt like she was supposed to be a man, so she chopped off her Disney princess hair, went on testosterone, and started working out.Ellen is now legally named Steve (why not the obvious 'Allen' I don't know, but hey, not my call), and Steve is a self proclaimed gay guy who looks a little too much like a mini Justin Bieber (only MUCH more manly... And really, I did not see that coming, especially from someone under 5 feet tall, under 100 lbs, who once had hair that most women only dream of. Having shimmery, extra long hair and wanting to be pregnant just to feel like a woman? And so that's the story of how I once dated a man who looks like Justin Bieber.And now I can't help but wonder if what she was into in the bedroom that was 'really weird' is related to this. All I know is that it blew my mind, and I considered not even posting about it because it's such a sensitive topic.
So anyway, Ellen and I met up for coffee, and she was not what I was expecting... She was the tiniest person I've ever met, standing about 4'10 and weighing all of 95 lbs soaking wet. She also had the longest, straightest, blondest hair I've ever seen.
It went down all the way to her legs, and it was her pride and joy.
As she told me, she had to brush it for at least 30 minutes to an hour every single day, like some kind of Disney princess. She wanted to be a lawyer, whereas I want to stay as far away from lawyers as humanly possible.
She liked death metal, whereas I prefer my eardrums intact.
She was a Pisces, whereas I don't give a shit about horoscopes. But we gave things a chance, and slowly over time she began to open up to me.
I thought I'd be happy for her to finally be able to open up, but all she did was uncork a little bit of weirdness.I stopped talking to her shortly after that, not just because I promised I wouldn't give a woman The Raccoon* until I was married (I assumed that's what she was into), but because the connection wasn't really there and she liked me a lot more than I liked her, so I didn't want to lead her on. Time for another crazy but true story in the life of Bryan. The name didn't ring a bell, but the face looked really familiar... After browsing the profile I realized that it was a girl I used to go out with, but what I saw made my jaw drop hard enough to give me whiplash. And let me tell you, being well read is hard to come by these days.So the other day I was on Facebook (clearly my first mistake) when I saw one of those 'People You Might Know' things. A ton of girls have "I love curling up with a good book! " on their dating profile, when all they really mean is "I read Fifty Shades of Grey once because I heard it was porn." In fact, a good many of them are so illiterate I'm amazed they can even manage to fill out the profile. Once upon a time ago I took up online dating, and met a few crazies along the way. On top of that, she was intelligent, polite, and well read. But then I met Ellen, who wasn't traditionally my type, but she also wasn't crazy.