Maybe they also considered whether or not this guy would be nice to their future kids, and his capacity to eventually afford a boat. Women aren’t socialized, like men are, to think they deserve sexual satisfaction.It never occurred to me that being “in love” could feel like anything more than kindly agreeing not to be mean to each other. Maybe it’s different now, but at the time, I interpreted sex as a thing that made boys happy, but for which women shouldn’t set their sights too high.That part — the sex part — is hands-down the most difficult thing for me to talk about, process or explain.

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Yes, I was miserable in my relationship(s), but I thought that was miserable in their relationships.

I’d been listening to women complain about their husbands or boyfriends — in real life and on television and in movies and magazines — for as long as I could remember.

From what I’d gathered, it seemed like women chose a spouse based on who annoyed or disgusted them the least.

We’ve gone over this before, but it’s been a while, so here’s the refresher: I got pregnant and married, in that order duh, while I was in high school!

I stayed married, got pregnant again, and kept staying married for something like eight years — I lost count.

Then we moved to Virginia, into a house I hated, in a neighborhood I hated, away from my favorite place (California) and my favorite person on the planet (the straight best friend I subconsciously wanted to marry). I’m often asked, not necessarily outright, how I kept up that husband thing for as long as I did.My husband was in the military and he’d be gone for months at a time. Then there was free Showtime and a Season Three marathon. It’s not an easy question to answer, both because it involves summoning a state of mind I can no longer relate to and because I’m scared of being judged.I watched Shane fuck Cherie Jaffe by the pool over and over and spent the next month googling ALL THE THINGS + FEELINGS. I judge myself so harshly, and I judge the girl I used to be, even though everything seemed normal to me then.Everything — every last fucking thing ever — finally made sense. Where I grew up, it wasn’t uncommon to be young and pregnant and married.Birth control was available but not really discussed or supported, and no one talked about homosexuality or feminism.This was the 80s and early 90s, so there wasn’t any internet or gay people on television.